things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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