Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
