I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
