i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There's always time for handjobs
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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