The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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