She is in my trunk
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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