I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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