i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
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We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
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That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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