Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
