i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
