I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I AM VODKA MAN
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
