turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
