the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
