I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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