i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Woke up backwards on a recliner
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
