so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
