Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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