I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
God I need to hump something, right now.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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