seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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