saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
