Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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