I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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