I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
