I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
