I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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