I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
