yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
