I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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