good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
