i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
