That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
