i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
