Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
