I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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