you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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