apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
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I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
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Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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