The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
