At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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