youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i was born a porn star she said
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
