Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
