I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
