Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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