I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
