when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
