can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
