You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
