do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
and she was petting her beer can
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
