college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
