You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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