u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
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He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
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Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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