Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
