cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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