Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
