I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
