I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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