What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
