I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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