Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
