Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
