i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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