Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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