just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
