I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
