seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I need a beard to bite.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
